7 Months

Max will be 7 months tomorrow!   I almost cannot believe it -- this time went SO fast.   Ryan's babyhood-dom seemed to last forever.   Maybe it's the difference in seasons -- winter vs. summer and all that jazz.  

He's sitting up on his own now and loves to play with toys -- he also LOVES to put everything and anything in his mouth, especially any sort of bright and shiny electronic equipment.   He is such a sweet boy now -- the monster that existed for the first 4 or 5 months is totally gone.   When he's over tired now, you can get him to sleep pretty easily.   He does awesome at tummy times and he can even move around a little bit on his tummy.   Not crawling yet though.   He stands pretty good too, if someone is holding onto his hands.   I'm just so impressed by him.   haha;   Ryan took forever to do anything, but Ryan was also very content sitting his in round-thing or jumper or just on the floor for longer than Mr. Maxer.  

I have started to get back into a workout routine of sorts.   I'm trying to get down to the gym at work 3 days a week.   I got one day in this week.   I wish I could just get into a schedule at work where I could take my lunch every day.   But, I went to Panda Express with my Dad on Tuesday for lunch (which was freakin' amazing -- Honey Walnut Shrimp, you are my new best friend), so I had some time to make up.   Waaaaaaa waaaaaah.  

I dream of losing 100 lbs, but would be content with 10 at this point.   Small moves, I suppose.   Since I don't plan on having any more babies anytime soon (if ever...), I can take my time and make small changes.  Okay, let's be honest:   I dream of wearing the pink pinstripe pants from Express that I bought about 10 years ago -- they are my goal.  

The meds are great.   I know many people do not like to use drugs to fix problems, but short of taking 6 months off to myself, I was not going to get better.   My brain chemistry was off.   Frankly, I think it's been off for more than just after Ryan and Max.   It's nice to feel normal again and not feel like the smallest tasks are the most impossible thing in the whole world.  Plus, I'm prone to fits of rage, so it's pretty obvious when I'm out of sorts.   I'm usually yelling at someone or something.   And I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!!!   I'm never wrong when I'm having trouble with depression.   And nobody else can do anything right either.   Just sayin'.  

Anyway, happy times around these parts.   It's pretty nice.  

Underdosage

I guess I was underdosed for all this time.   I've moved to 100 mg of sertraline.   I feel normal for the first time in a couple of years.   Maybe since before Ryan was born.   I don't even know.  

Things that would set me into a rage do not.   My ability to work fast again is back.  

I feel like I actually like things again.   So, now, time to get on the exercise train and drop 20 lbs the second half of this year.  

Ready, go.

I wonder when the last time I posted was?

I could just look, but that's WAY too easy.  AHAHAHAA!!!   I just checked.   FRICKIN' MARCH!!!  

Things have been good around here.   Max has been doing much better with eating, sleeping, all things.   He has such a little personality, just like Ryan does, but he is definitely his own man.   He is not shy either -- he loves most people he meets, as long as he's not super tired.  I can't think of the last time that he screamed bloody murder at me.   It's been a LONG time.   But, that's b/c he gets the sleep that he needs to survive finally.  

Definitely a mama's boy though.   I can't be far away.

7th anniversary came and went.   Went to lunch, saw The Hunger Games (my newest obsession, fwtw) and had a great time.

Ryan turned 3 last month and it is DEFINITELY the "Trying Threes".   Everything is a battle with him.   He does try very hard to be good, but it's hard when you want to show that you are independent from your parents...and he has always been that way.  

Max will be 6 months on Wed (June 20).   I think we spaced these two out pretty well.   I don't think that I would have handled them very well if they were any closer in age.   This was really pretty perfect.   I think if we do decide to throw one more in the mix, it will definitely be late 2015 or 2016.   or whatever God decides, I suppose.   haha

I don't know -- I'm just not ready to say "all done".   It's almost like I would like to try and be better than 50/50 on pregnancy.   But, is 60/40 really that much better?   IDK.   And I still sort of want a girl, but there's not a guaranty of that sort of thing, so I'm just not sure.   I am definitely planning on being in Disney World in 2015 with my 5 yr old and my 3 yr old and my parents...and hell, whoever else wants to make the trip.   And I would also like to go somewhere for our 10th anniversary, since we never actually took a honeymoon when we got married.  After that, we'll see.   We'll only be 35 and 36 at the end of the year.   That's not terrible.   Some people aren't even starting until 35 or 36, you know?  

I think once we take care of the finances and Ryan starts school and the rest, it will be a-ok.   I'm not ruling it out.   Just not ruling it in in the next three years...at least.   :)

12 weeks

One week to go before we hit the blessed 3 month mark.   I am hoping that the screaming magically stops, but I doubt it.   haha;  and that's ok, because I'm much better at dealing with it than I was with Ryan.   And that's good, because I believe that Max is fussier than Ryan, so if we dealt with it like we did with Ryan, I would be DEEP in the hurt locker.   I definitely would be getting less sleep than I do.

Max, for the most part, sleeps through the night now.  Has since 9 1/2 weeks or so, which is wonderful!   Made going back to work so much easier.   And he goes to bed around 6pm, even with the time change, so the evenings are fairly free for Ryan, which is nice.   I just wish Ryan wasn't being such a three year old.   It's true -- the terrible twos have become the terrible threes.   Ryan was lovely as a two year old -- as we inch closer to 3 (IN TWO MONTHS!), his behavior is getting much more naughty.   How long do I get to say that he's just acting out because of his brother?   It's true, but I don't think that excuse flies forever.

Max is also a beast.  He's just BIG.  Not fat, just big.  Must be genes from my mother's side of the fam -- she says that she sees her dad when she looks at Max, which just goes to show you how funny genetics are.   And that my genes TOTALLY dominate Jake's -- except for the gender dept.   He's clearly kicking my butt there.   Or not -- I was the last girl born on my side of the family, which was 32.5 years old now.   And before than, my aunt, who is about 32 years old than me.   But, I digress.  

So: Max = big boy.  He was still in the 95% for height and 75% for weight at two months.   We'll see where he is at 4 months.  I had to bust out the 6 month clothes.   He can still fit the three month stuff for the most part, but I have no pants for Mr. Max really.   I have 4 pairs of hand-me-downs from Jameson and Will, but for some reason, I hardly have any pants from Ryan -- which is weird, b/c he was 6 month size in the winter, so you'd think that I would have some.  Another aside:   As hard as I try, I cannot call Jameson a nickname. Jimmity Jam is usually what comes out of my mouth, but Jamie will not.  Maybe I just need to pretend it's Mythbusters.   haha;  But, I am constantly going through clothes.   I think that I even have some 12 month stuff in a bin under Max's crib for when the time comes.   Easier than going to the basement.

In other news, work is fine.  Same old, same old.   I didn't get the tech lead job that I was hoping to get, but sounds like it will be open again in a couple of years, so I can try then.   Or I can move on.   In the interim, I've finally decided to finish my two year degree in accounting once and for all.   Since my overall plan is to get things around here paid down and/or paid off in the next few years.   If/When we do try one more time for a girl, Max will be at least three, if not four.   I only want to pay for one in daycare at a time -- two sucks.   I hate having to write out $250 checks every week -- and that's CHEAP!  

I'll leave you with this awesome picture of the boys:

7 Weeks!

You may have seen on the Facebook, but we finally figured out why Max was screaming at us for hours on end in the evenings -- and figured it out pretty much by accident too. He wants to go to bed between 6 and 7 pm. And if he sleeps like crap during the day (such as yesterday), he wants to go to bed even earlier.

It was nice to figure it out and I have no problem with him going to bed that early, but I would like to get him to nap during the day too. Yesterday, he did terrible with that and it was really hard by the end of the day. All I need during the day is like an hour of no baby to recharge my batteries. We don't always get that, but I try. Coffee is a dear friend these days. But, in any case, he does go to bed between 6 and 7 and wakes up usually between 9 and 10 to eat and again sometime between 2 and 4. And up for the day again between 6 and 7. I can handle that. Also, we moved him down to his crib, because he is the loudest little thing ever -- much louder than Ryan was. So, sleep is better for every one.

He still has troubles with the gas though. and I am convinced that he does not like his cloth diapers, which is really an issue. I think they cut into his tummy and who likes to wear tight pants/diapers when you have a tummy ache from gas or are all bloated? NOBODY.

So, I'm not really sure what to do for him there. Because we have a million bum genius diapers and I want to use them. But, some of his favorite time during the day is when he gets to lay on the couch with no pants/diaper on. Maybe I'm just reinforcing it. Dang it. Oh well. He cries, so I should probably go rescue him.

Also, I just figured out why my latest posts are one big run-on post.   I should go back and edit those.   I have sewing to do first.   And before that, I have to figure out how to get my baby to actually take naps again during the day.   Ugh!   :)

1 Month!

And the first month has FLOWN by. Wow. I am SO looking forward to this next month -- the fussiness should start to die down (and granted: it's not been as bad as Ryan, but still...yikes) and we will start to get smiles and such. Definitely looking forward to real smiles, because he has the BEST smile -- I've seen it while he's been sleeping. Two dimples on this one. And those chubby little cheeks! :) However, the fussy has been just yuck to deal with, because he's such a quiet baby otherwise -- makes the fussy seem that much worse somehow. He gets so much extra gas from being fussy and the cycle just continues. I have discovered in the past couple of days that being up for an hour is about his limit before he starts to lose his shit. Two hours -- forget about it. Done-zo. Went through that last night -- SCREAMING at me for a couple of hours. Then -- falls asleep for the night, pretty much. Of course, by 5am, he's got gas from screaming the night before and he is SOOOOO noisy. Much louder than Ryan boy was. He's growing like a weed though -- his next appt is on Monday and I am fully expecting him to weigh 10 lbs. Not sure on the inches, but I'm thinking close to 21 or 21.5. He has grown a TON! He's huge to us, but still "tiny" to everyone else, I'm sure. haha Ryan started to potty train this week. It is going pretty well at daycare and ok at home -- but, he is having troubles with #2 now, and that is sort of derailing things at home here. We might have to do a suppository tomorrow, just to get him on track again, which I feel terrible about. Poor kid. But, it is going pretty well, so we just need to keep going. It's hard with a baby -- it's just CONSTANT thinking. But, we are tired of both fighting him to be changed AND washing a million diapers. So, we forge ahead. I was planning on starting to work out again today, but I don't have the energy today. Hopefully, tomorrow I can start. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and now I would like to try to get down under 200. That's probably the goal for the rest of the year, considering that is a 20 pound goal. I haven't decided if I am going to try Weight Watchers again or not. Will have to think about it. Am definitely going to start the Shred with Weights very soon. That should kill 5 pounds easy. I also found a detox that I should try, but I'm not sure how safe it is when breastfeeding, so I will probably try and wait on that. I definitely hope that by the end of 2012, I will be under 200. That is the goal for sure. Finally, I'm saying it out loud -- I don't know when, but we will probably try and do this again -- just to try for the girl. It's a long way off from now, that is certain. We have debt to pay off, a car to pay off and a new house to save for. I'm thinking that's probably a good 3 year process to get to a point where we can comfortably start trying for #3. So, probably 2015? I'll be 36 that year, and that's not a terrible age to end with -- I know people who had their first well after that age. I just want to be fairly debt free AND have money to buy a house to hold everyone comfortably. Right now -- not so much. We have to clean out the house and move the whole works around just to make it comfy for everyone. If you check my Pintrest, you can see me trying to figure out the best config for moving the boys upstairs and ourselves downstairs. And when that happens: LOVE! I can't wait to have my main floor back! I don't know why we didn't do that in the first place with Ryan, but oh well. Lesson learned! It's been a good first month -- let's keep it rolling!

Same Bat time, same bat channel

So...I just went back to read about when I gave up on breastfeeding Ryan (or when I started to think it was an issue). Funny enough, it was almost exactly two weeks. Which is when Max started to freak out on a daily basis. Must be the two week growth spurt that I just need to get through OR they just wake up at two weeks and it's hard to manage them. The real difference is that Max is actually better at nursing than Ryan ever was and is more low key, so therefore, he sleeps overnight and actually sleeps during the day. But, same issues: gas, random screaming, pulling off while nursing, etc. etc. etc. The difference is that I'm willing to kick a little ass. (name that movie...) Actually, the difference is that I'm willing to put up with it a bit more. With Ryan, I couldn't even really be alone with him for very long. With Max, it's fine. I just need to get through it. I'm hoping that by next week, we might be through whatever we are going through and things will be better. If not, I'm kind of at a loss. I'm not going to switch to formula because I don't think that's the big answer this time. I think that I'm overproducing and I just need to work around that. I did pump off about a 1/4 of an oz. before feeding him overnight and that seemed to work better so I think that might be the answer -- but, again, he's nursing for comfort, which is putting more foremilk into his tummy and that's not helping at all. that's not to say that I'm not getting extremely frustrated by 8pm every night this week. This is compounded by the fact that I'm probably heading for Zoloft town eventually. I can feel the weird, random thoughts of anger starting already. Actually, those didn't really go away while I was pregnant -- I just dealt with it, frankly. I think that's why I had such a hard time being pregnant this time. But, I dealt with it, because I was having a girl and I could be done. And then I had Max. And now: I should probably go back to my GP again and discuss because I have a whole ton of feelings that are bad about most of this. Okay, he was crying and now he's sleeping. He's been up for a quite a while, so he needs to sleep. I'm thinking that he'll wake up about 2 to eat one more time and then sleep until 5ish. That seems to be our pattern this week. And you know -- I don't really care if he's up and down during the day as long as he can get some good sleep at night for me. Like, for instance, last night -- he was kind of crazy with eating and screamies all evening and Jake and I took turns with him -- but by 10pm, he finally ate good and then slept until 2:30 am. Then, he ate really quick and was back to sleep by 3 am until 5:30. Then, was back down by 6am, and was sort of up for a bit but then we both got to sleep until 8:30. I prefer that to like the day before -- it was asleep by 11, up at 1:30, 4:30 and 6. It's a process. Like I have said, I like them better as toddlers than babies. haha. Actually, that's not totally true -- I like babies too. Just not newborns.

Happy 2012!

As always, I like to see what I wanted to accomplish for 2011 and see how I did. Here's what I wanted to do: So, for 2011! 1. Finish paying off the credit cards (I think this can be done by the end of summer, for sure) 2. Start paying off the mortgage, so we have real equity in the house. We refinanced this year and lost most of it to closing costs. But, without credit card payments, we can start dumping an extra $400/month onto the house. That way, when we get ready to sell in the next few years, we will be able to buy another house. 3. Start saving an emergency fund of being able to pay bills for 3 months. Which is about $5000, I think. We'll start there. 4. Get pregnant with #2 (#4) 5. Lose another 10 pounds 6. Finish some of the craft projects that I have lying around (and there are MANY!) So...how did I do? 1. No. Not even close. Got really, really out of control this year, in fact. So, back to stricter living next year and get back on track for 2012. We REALLY need to get these cards paid off. 2. Again, nothing here. 3. Fail 4. Okay, this is the only thing that we managed to do! I did get pregnant, it was textbook -- well, for me -- and we were having a girl. Then 2011 punched me in the face and ran away laughing when Max was born on Dec 20th. So, now I get to decide if I am really done. Dammit. 5. Actually, it didn't happen, but I didn't gain a whole of weight either while pregnant with Max. I have already lost 15 lbs and I'm only 5 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. 6. I didn't get to do this, but I did sort through my projects to try to get rid of some stuff. I don't know if I will have a garage sale or a Goodwill run, but something will happen with it. I added a bunch of new projects with Max. So, what's the goals for 2012? 1. Pay down the credit cards under $1000.00. Seriously. That is my biggest goal this year. I want to follow the principles of Dave Ramsey and the "Snowball" debt pay off theory. Pay the minimum on the rest and pay off the one that is the smallest (I think -- I'd have to review) and the take that payment and apply it to the next one until it's gone. Etc. 2. I don't know if I will try to save anything this year or not -- I'm really going for the payoffs of our major debts this year. Credit cards are the worst, followed by the dang Saturn. 3. Lose 15 - 20 lbs -- I'd like to get back to under 200 lbs. 4. Finish all the construction projects in the house and move the two boys into one room late this year. Max will have to be sleeping through the night for this to work in my mind. So, I'm hoping in the fall, we will be able to do this and move to the bedroom downstairs. 5. Get Ryan to use the regular toilet and get him out of diapers. I think that is sufficient. :) On a separate note, I have to say the following: I love both of my sons and I wouldn't trade either for anything in the world. However...part of me is still mourning the loss of Lily, even if she never really existed. It makes me incredibly sad. All the work we did, all the money we spent so we could have 'girl' stuff. Jake deals with it by cleaning and making it seem like it never happened. I have days where I am fine and days where my brain keeps saying that I was supposed to have a girl, and what the hell happened? How could that doctor have been so fucking wrong? How could that ultrasound tech who checked the previa have said she would guess girl too, without the caviat that saying 'it's a girl' just really means that they can't see any boy parts? And therefore, I have to ask myself: Am I done? Can I do this one more time to see if we have a girl? Do I just leave it up to God and figure that this is what it was supposed to be? Do I want three kids? I'm 32 -- how long do I try to wait? Until I'm 35? Until Max is two and a half? What if it's another boy? The rest of my fam only has two boys each, so would the outcome be different this time? Maybe it's the horomones, but of course this is probably going to be the thing that drives me to drink this time. Oy. Hopefully, 2012 is better than 2011. I didn't like being sick all year and I definitely didn't like the kick to the face at the end of the year, even if I do like the result that is currently sleeping in his swing.