1 Month!

And the first month has FLOWN by. Wow. I am SO looking forward to this next month -- the fussiness should start to die down (and granted: it's not been as bad as Ryan, but still...yikes) and we will start to get smiles and such. Definitely looking forward to real smiles, because he has the BEST smile -- I've seen it while he's been sleeping. Two dimples on this one. And those chubby little cheeks! :) However, the fussy has been just yuck to deal with, because he's such a quiet baby otherwise -- makes the fussy seem that much worse somehow. He gets so much extra gas from being fussy and the cycle just continues. I have discovered in the past couple of days that being up for an hour is about his limit before he starts to lose his shit. Two hours -- forget about it. Done-zo. Went through that last night -- SCREAMING at me for a couple of hours. Then -- falls asleep for the night, pretty much. Of course, by 5am, he's got gas from screaming the night before and he is SOOOOO noisy. Much louder than Ryan boy was. He's growing like a weed though -- his next appt is on Monday and I am fully expecting him to weigh 10 lbs. Not sure on the inches, but I'm thinking close to 21 or 21.5. He has grown a TON! He's huge to us, but still "tiny" to everyone else, I'm sure. haha Ryan started to potty train this week. It is going pretty well at daycare and ok at home -- but, he is having troubles with #2 now, and that is sort of derailing things at home here. We might have to do a suppository tomorrow, just to get him on track again, which I feel terrible about. Poor kid. But, it is going pretty well, so we just need to keep going. It's hard with a baby -- it's just CONSTANT thinking. But, we are tired of both fighting him to be changed AND washing a million diapers. So, we forge ahead. I was planning on starting to work out again today, but I don't have the energy today. Hopefully, tomorrow I can start. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and now I would like to try to get down under 200. That's probably the goal for the rest of the year, considering that is a 20 pound goal. I haven't decided if I am going to try Weight Watchers again or not. Will have to think about it. Am definitely going to start the Shred with Weights very soon. That should kill 5 pounds easy. I also found a detox that I should try, but I'm not sure how safe it is when breastfeeding, so I will probably try and wait on that. I definitely hope that by the end of 2012, I will be under 200. That is the goal for sure. Finally, I'm saying it out loud -- I don't know when, but we will probably try and do this again -- just to try for the girl. It's a long way off from now, that is certain. We have debt to pay off, a car to pay off and a new house to save for. I'm thinking that's probably a good 3 year process to get to a point where we can comfortably start trying for #3. So, probably 2015? I'll be 36 that year, and that's not a terrible age to end with -- I know people who had their first well after that age. I just want to be fairly debt free AND have money to buy a house to hold everyone comfortably. Right now -- not so much. We have to clean out the house and move the whole works around just to make it comfy for everyone. If you check my Pintrest, you can see me trying to figure out the best config for moving the boys upstairs and ourselves downstairs. And when that happens: LOVE! I can't wait to have my main floor back! I don't know why we didn't do that in the first place with Ryan, but oh well. Lesson learned! It's been a good first month -- let's keep it rolling!

Same Bat time, same bat channel

So...I just went back to read about when I gave up on breastfeeding Ryan (or when I started to think it was an issue). Funny enough, it was almost exactly two weeks. Which is when Max started to freak out on a daily basis. Must be the two week growth spurt that I just need to get through OR they just wake up at two weeks and it's hard to manage them. The real difference is that Max is actually better at nursing than Ryan ever was and is more low key, so therefore, he sleeps overnight and actually sleeps during the day. But, same issues: gas, random screaming, pulling off while nursing, etc. etc. etc. The difference is that I'm willing to kick a little ass. (name that movie...) Actually, the difference is that I'm willing to put up with it a bit more. With Ryan, I couldn't even really be alone with him for very long. With Max, it's fine. I just need to get through it. I'm hoping that by next week, we might be through whatever we are going through and things will be better. If not, I'm kind of at a loss. I'm not going to switch to formula because I don't think that's the big answer this time. I think that I'm overproducing and I just need to work around that. I did pump off about a 1/4 of an oz. before feeding him overnight and that seemed to work better so I think that might be the answer -- but, again, he's nursing for comfort, which is putting more foremilk into his tummy and that's not helping at all. that's not to say that I'm not getting extremely frustrated by 8pm every night this week. This is compounded by the fact that I'm probably heading for Zoloft town eventually. I can feel the weird, random thoughts of anger starting already. Actually, those didn't really go away while I was pregnant -- I just dealt with it, frankly. I think that's why I had such a hard time being pregnant this time. But, I dealt with it, because I was having a girl and I could be done. And then I had Max. And now: I should probably go back to my GP again and discuss because I have a whole ton of feelings that are bad about most of this. Okay, he was crying and now he's sleeping. He's been up for a quite a while, so he needs to sleep. I'm thinking that he'll wake up about 2 to eat one more time and then sleep until 5ish. That seems to be our pattern this week. And you know -- I don't really care if he's up and down during the day as long as he can get some good sleep at night for me. Like, for instance, last night -- he was kind of crazy with eating and screamies all evening and Jake and I took turns with him -- but by 10pm, he finally ate good and then slept until 2:30 am. Then, he ate really quick and was back to sleep by 3 am until 5:30. Then, was back down by 6am, and was sort of up for a bit but then we both got to sleep until 8:30. I prefer that to like the day before -- it was asleep by 11, up at 1:30, 4:30 and 6. It's a process. Like I have said, I like them better as toddlers than babies. haha. Actually, that's not totally true -- I like babies too. Just not newborns.

Happy 2012!

As always, I like to see what I wanted to accomplish for 2011 and see how I did. Here's what I wanted to do: So, for 2011! 1. Finish paying off the credit cards (I think this can be done by the end of summer, for sure) 2. Start paying off the mortgage, so we have real equity in the house. We refinanced this year and lost most of it to closing costs. But, without credit card payments, we can start dumping an extra $400/month onto the house. That way, when we get ready to sell in the next few years, we will be able to buy another house. 3. Start saving an emergency fund of being able to pay bills for 3 months. Which is about $5000, I think. We'll start there. 4. Get pregnant with #2 (#4) 5. Lose another 10 pounds 6. Finish some of the craft projects that I have lying around (and there are MANY!) So...how did I do? 1. No. Not even close. Got really, really out of control this year, in fact. So, back to stricter living next year and get back on track for 2012. We REALLY need to get these cards paid off. 2. Again, nothing here. 3. Fail 4. Okay, this is the only thing that we managed to do! I did get pregnant, it was textbook -- well, for me -- and we were having a girl. Then 2011 punched me in the face and ran away laughing when Max was born on Dec 20th. So, now I get to decide if I am really done. Dammit. 5. Actually, it didn't happen, but I didn't gain a whole of weight either while pregnant with Max. I have already lost 15 lbs and I'm only 5 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. 6. I didn't get to do this, but I did sort through my projects to try to get rid of some stuff. I don't know if I will have a garage sale or a Goodwill run, but something will happen with it. I added a bunch of new projects with Max. So, what's the goals for 2012? 1. Pay down the credit cards under $1000.00. Seriously. That is my biggest goal this year. I want to follow the principles of Dave Ramsey and the "Snowball" debt pay off theory. Pay the minimum on the rest and pay off the one that is the smallest (I think -- I'd have to review) and the take that payment and apply it to the next one until it's gone. Etc. 2. I don't know if I will try to save anything this year or not -- I'm really going for the payoffs of our major debts this year. Credit cards are the worst, followed by the dang Saturn. 3. Lose 15 - 20 lbs -- I'd like to get back to under 200 lbs. 4. Finish all the construction projects in the house and move the two boys into one room late this year. Max will have to be sleeping through the night for this to work in my mind. So, I'm hoping in the fall, we will be able to do this and move to the bedroom downstairs. 5. Get Ryan to use the regular toilet and get him out of diapers. I think that is sufficient. :) On a separate note, I have to say the following: I love both of my sons and I wouldn't trade either for anything in the world. However...part of me is still mourning the loss of Lily, even if she never really existed. It makes me incredibly sad. All the work we did, all the money we spent so we could have 'girl' stuff. Jake deals with it by cleaning and making it seem like it never happened. I have days where I am fine and days where my brain keeps saying that I was supposed to have a girl, and what the hell happened? How could that doctor have been so fucking wrong? How could that ultrasound tech who checked the previa have said she would guess girl too, without the caviat that saying 'it's a girl' just really means that they can't see any boy parts? And therefore, I have to ask myself: Am I done? Can I do this one more time to see if we have a girl? Do I just leave it up to God and figure that this is what it was supposed to be? Do I want three kids? I'm 32 -- how long do I try to wait? Until I'm 35? Until Max is two and a half? What if it's another boy? The rest of my fam only has two boys each, so would the outcome be different this time? Maybe it's the horomones, but of course this is probably going to be the thing that drives me to drink this time. Oy. Hopefully, 2012 is better than 2011. I didn't like being sick all year and I definitely didn't like the kick to the face at the end of the year, even if I do like the result that is currently sleeping in his swing.