7 Months

Max will be 7 months tomorrow!   I almost cannot believe it -- this time went SO fast.   Ryan's babyhood-dom seemed to last forever.   Maybe it's the difference in seasons -- winter vs. summer and all that jazz.  

He's sitting up on his own now and loves to play with toys -- he also LOVES to put everything and anything in his mouth, especially any sort of bright and shiny electronic equipment.   He is such a sweet boy now -- the monster that existed for the first 4 or 5 months is totally gone.   When he's over tired now, you can get him to sleep pretty easily.   He does awesome at tummy times and he can even move around a little bit on his tummy.   Not crawling yet though.   He stands pretty good too, if someone is holding onto his hands.   I'm just so impressed by him.   haha;   Ryan took forever to do anything, but Ryan was also very content sitting his in round-thing or jumper or just on the floor for longer than Mr. Maxer.  

I have started to get back into a workout routine of sorts.   I'm trying to get down to the gym at work 3 days a week.   I got one day in this week.   I wish I could just get into a schedule at work where I could take my lunch every day.   But, I went to Panda Express with my Dad on Tuesday for lunch (which was freakin' amazing -- Honey Walnut Shrimp, you are my new best friend), so I had some time to make up.   Waaaaaaa waaaaaah.  

I dream of losing 100 lbs, but would be content with 10 at this point.   Small moves, I suppose.   Since I don't plan on having any more babies anytime soon (if ever...), I can take my time and make small changes.  Okay, let's be honest:   I dream of wearing the pink pinstripe pants from Express that I bought about 10 years ago -- they are my goal.  

The meds are great.   I know many people do not like to use drugs to fix problems, but short of taking 6 months off to myself, I was not going to get better.   My brain chemistry was off.   Frankly, I think it's been off for more than just after Ryan and Max.   It's nice to feel normal again and not feel like the smallest tasks are the most impossible thing in the whole world.  Plus, I'm prone to fits of rage, so it's pretty obvious when I'm out of sorts.   I'm usually yelling at someone or something.   And I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!!!   I'm never wrong when I'm having trouble with depression.   And nobody else can do anything right either.   Just sayin'.  

Anyway, happy times around these parts.   It's pretty nice.  

Underdosage

I guess I was underdosed for all this time.   I've moved to 100 mg of sertraline.   I feel normal for the first time in a couple of years.   Maybe since before Ryan was born.   I don't even know.  

Things that would set me into a rage do not.   My ability to work fast again is back.  

I feel like I actually like things again.   So, now, time to get on the exercise train and drop 20 lbs the second half of this year.  

Ready, go.

I wonder when the last time I posted was?

I could just look, but that's WAY too easy.  AHAHAHAA!!!   I just checked.   FRICKIN' MARCH!!!  

Things have been good around here.   Max has been doing much better with eating, sleeping, all things.   He has such a little personality, just like Ryan does, but he is definitely his own man.   He is not shy either -- he loves most people he meets, as long as he's not super tired.  I can't think of the last time that he screamed bloody murder at me.   It's been a LONG time.   But, that's b/c he gets the sleep that he needs to survive finally.  

Definitely a mama's boy though.   I can't be far away.

7th anniversary came and went.   Went to lunch, saw The Hunger Games (my newest obsession, fwtw) and had a great time.

Ryan turned 3 last month and it is DEFINITELY the "Trying Threes".   Everything is a battle with him.   He does try very hard to be good, but it's hard when you want to show that you are independent from your parents...and he has always been that way.  

Max will be 6 months on Wed (June 20).   I think we spaced these two out pretty well.   I don't think that I would have handled them very well if they were any closer in age.   This was really pretty perfect.   I think if we do decide to throw one more in the mix, it will definitely be late 2015 or 2016.   or whatever God decides, I suppose.   haha

I don't know -- I'm just not ready to say "all done".   It's almost like I would like to try and be better than 50/50 on pregnancy.   But, is 60/40 really that much better?   IDK.   And I still sort of want a girl, but there's not a guaranty of that sort of thing, so I'm just not sure.   I am definitely planning on being in Disney World in 2015 with my 5 yr old and my 3 yr old and my parents...and hell, whoever else wants to make the trip.   And I would also like to go somewhere for our 10th anniversary, since we never actually took a honeymoon when we got married.  After that, we'll see.   We'll only be 35 and 36 at the end of the year.   That's not terrible.   Some people aren't even starting until 35 or 36, you know?  

I think once we take care of the finances and Ryan starts school and the rest, it will be a-ok.   I'm not ruling it out.   Just not ruling it in in the next three years...at least.   :)

12 weeks

One week to go before we hit the blessed 3 month mark.   I am hoping that the screaming magically stops, but I doubt it.   haha;  and that's ok, because I'm much better at dealing with it than I was with Ryan.   And that's good, because I believe that Max is fussier than Ryan, so if we dealt with it like we did with Ryan, I would be DEEP in the hurt locker.   I definitely would be getting less sleep than I do.

Max, for the most part, sleeps through the night now.  Has since 9 1/2 weeks or so, which is wonderful!   Made going back to work so much easier.   And he goes to bed around 6pm, even with the time change, so the evenings are fairly free for Ryan, which is nice.   I just wish Ryan wasn't being such a three year old.   It's true -- the terrible twos have become the terrible threes.   Ryan was lovely as a two year old -- as we inch closer to 3 (IN TWO MONTHS!), his behavior is getting much more naughty.   How long do I get to say that he's just acting out because of his brother?   It's true, but I don't think that excuse flies forever.

Max is also a beast.  He's just BIG.  Not fat, just big.  Must be genes from my mother's side of the fam -- she says that she sees her dad when she looks at Max, which just goes to show you how funny genetics are.   And that my genes TOTALLY dominate Jake's -- except for the gender dept.   He's clearly kicking my butt there.   Or not -- I was the last girl born on my side of the family, which was 32.5 years old now.   And before than, my aunt, who is about 32 years old than me.   But, I digress.  

So: Max = big boy.  He was still in the 95% for height and 75% for weight at two months.   We'll see where he is at 4 months.  I had to bust out the 6 month clothes.   He can still fit the three month stuff for the most part, but I have no pants for Mr. Max really.   I have 4 pairs of hand-me-downs from Jameson and Will, but for some reason, I hardly have any pants from Ryan -- which is weird, b/c he was 6 month size in the winter, so you'd think that I would have some.  Another aside:   As hard as I try, I cannot call Jameson a nickname. Jimmity Jam is usually what comes out of my mouth, but Jamie will not.  Maybe I just need to pretend it's Mythbusters.   haha;  But, I am constantly going through clothes.   I think that I even have some 12 month stuff in a bin under Max's crib for when the time comes.   Easier than going to the basement.

In other news, work is fine.  Same old, same old.   I didn't get the tech lead job that I was hoping to get, but sounds like it will be open again in a couple of years, so I can try then.   Or I can move on.   In the interim, I've finally decided to finish my two year degree in accounting once and for all.   Since my overall plan is to get things around here paid down and/or paid off in the next few years.   If/When we do try one more time for a girl, Max will be at least three, if not four.   I only want to pay for one in daycare at a time -- two sucks.   I hate having to write out $250 checks every week -- and that's CHEAP!  

I'll leave you with this awesome picture of the boys:

7 Weeks!

You may have seen on the Facebook, but we finally figured out why Max was screaming at us for hours on end in the evenings -- and figured it out pretty much by accident too. He wants to go to bed between 6 and 7 pm. And if he sleeps like crap during the day (such as yesterday), he wants to go to bed even earlier.

It was nice to figure it out and I have no problem with him going to bed that early, but I would like to get him to nap during the day too. Yesterday, he did terrible with that and it was really hard by the end of the day. All I need during the day is like an hour of no baby to recharge my batteries. We don't always get that, but I try. Coffee is a dear friend these days. But, in any case, he does go to bed between 6 and 7 and wakes up usually between 9 and 10 to eat and again sometime between 2 and 4. And up for the day again between 6 and 7. I can handle that. Also, we moved him down to his crib, because he is the loudest little thing ever -- much louder than Ryan was. So, sleep is better for every one.

He still has troubles with the gas though. and I am convinced that he does not like his cloth diapers, which is really an issue. I think they cut into his tummy and who likes to wear tight pants/diapers when you have a tummy ache from gas or are all bloated? NOBODY.

So, I'm not really sure what to do for him there. Because we have a million bum genius diapers and I want to use them. But, some of his favorite time during the day is when he gets to lay on the couch with no pants/diaper on. Maybe I'm just reinforcing it. Dang it. Oh well. He cries, so I should probably go rescue him.

Also, I just figured out why my latest posts are one big run-on post.   I should go back and edit those.   I have sewing to do first.   And before that, I have to figure out how to get my baby to actually take naps again during the day.   Ugh!   :)

1 Month!

And the first month has FLOWN by. Wow. I am SO looking forward to this next month -- the fussiness should start to die down (and granted: it's not been as bad as Ryan, but still...yikes) and we will start to get smiles and such. Definitely looking forward to real smiles, because he has the BEST smile -- I've seen it while he's been sleeping. Two dimples on this one. And those chubby little cheeks! :) However, the fussy has been just yuck to deal with, because he's such a quiet baby otherwise -- makes the fussy seem that much worse somehow. He gets so much extra gas from being fussy and the cycle just continues. I have discovered in the past couple of days that being up for an hour is about his limit before he starts to lose his shit. Two hours -- forget about it. Done-zo. Went through that last night -- SCREAMING at me for a couple of hours. Then -- falls asleep for the night, pretty much. Of course, by 5am, he's got gas from screaming the night before and he is SOOOOO noisy. Much louder than Ryan boy was. He's growing like a weed though -- his next appt is on Monday and I am fully expecting him to weigh 10 lbs. Not sure on the inches, but I'm thinking close to 21 or 21.5. He has grown a TON! He's huge to us, but still "tiny" to everyone else, I'm sure. haha Ryan started to potty train this week. It is going pretty well at daycare and ok at home -- but, he is having troubles with #2 now, and that is sort of derailing things at home here. We might have to do a suppository tomorrow, just to get him on track again, which I feel terrible about. Poor kid. But, it is going pretty well, so we just need to keep going. It's hard with a baby -- it's just CONSTANT thinking. But, we are tired of both fighting him to be changed AND washing a million diapers. So, we forge ahead. I was planning on starting to work out again today, but I don't have the energy today. Hopefully, tomorrow I can start. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and now I would like to try to get down under 200. That's probably the goal for the rest of the year, considering that is a 20 pound goal. I haven't decided if I am going to try Weight Watchers again or not. Will have to think about it. Am definitely going to start the Shred with Weights very soon. That should kill 5 pounds easy. I also found a detox that I should try, but I'm not sure how safe it is when breastfeeding, so I will probably try and wait on that. I definitely hope that by the end of 2012, I will be under 200. That is the goal for sure. Finally, I'm saying it out loud -- I don't know when, but we will probably try and do this again -- just to try for the girl. It's a long way off from now, that is certain. We have debt to pay off, a car to pay off and a new house to save for. I'm thinking that's probably a good 3 year process to get to a point where we can comfortably start trying for #3. So, probably 2015? I'll be 36 that year, and that's not a terrible age to end with -- I know people who had their first well after that age. I just want to be fairly debt free AND have money to buy a house to hold everyone comfortably. Right now -- not so much. We have to clean out the house and move the whole works around just to make it comfy for everyone. If you check my Pintrest, you can see me trying to figure out the best config for moving the boys upstairs and ourselves downstairs. And when that happens: LOVE! I can't wait to have my main floor back! I don't know why we didn't do that in the first place with Ryan, but oh well. Lesson learned! It's been a good first month -- let's keep it rolling!

Same Bat time, same bat channel

So...I just went back to read about when I gave up on breastfeeding Ryan (or when I started to think it was an issue). Funny enough, it was almost exactly two weeks. Which is when Max started to freak out on a daily basis. Must be the two week growth spurt that I just need to get through OR they just wake up at two weeks and it's hard to manage them. The real difference is that Max is actually better at nursing than Ryan ever was and is more low key, so therefore, he sleeps overnight and actually sleeps during the day. But, same issues: gas, random screaming, pulling off while nursing, etc. etc. etc. The difference is that I'm willing to kick a little ass. (name that movie...) Actually, the difference is that I'm willing to put up with it a bit more. With Ryan, I couldn't even really be alone with him for very long. With Max, it's fine. I just need to get through it. I'm hoping that by next week, we might be through whatever we are going through and things will be better. If not, I'm kind of at a loss. I'm not going to switch to formula because I don't think that's the big answer this time. I think that I'm overproducing and I just need to work around that. I did pump off about a 1/4 of an oz. before feeding him overnight and that seemed to work better so I think that might be the answer -- but, again, he's nursing for comfort, which is putting more foremilk into his tummy and that's not helping at all. that's not to say that I'm not getting extremely frustrated by 8pm every night this week. This is compounded by the fact that I'm probably heading for Zoloft town eventually. I can feel the weird, random thoughts of anger starting already. Actually, those didn't really go away while I was pregnant -- I just dealt with it, frankly. I think that's why I had such a hard time being pregnant this time. But, I dealt with it, because I was having a girl and I could be done. And then I had Max. And now: I should probably go back to my GP again and discuss because I have a whole ton of feelings that are bad about most of this. Okay, he was crying and now he's sleeping. He's been up for a quite a while, so he needs to sleep. I'm thinking that he'll wake up about 2 to eat one more time and then sleep until 5ish. That seems to be our pattern this week. And you know -- I don't really care if he's up and down during the day as long as he can get some good sleep at night for me. Like, for instance, last night -- he was kind of crazy with eating and screamies all evening and Jake and I took turns with him -- but by 10pm, he finally ate good and then slept until 2:30 am. Then, he ate really quick and was back to sleep by 3 am until 5:30. Then, was back down by 6am, and was sort of up for a bit but then we both got to sleep until 8:30. I prefer that to like the day before -- it was asleep by 11, up at 1:30, 4:30 and 6. It's a process. Like I have said, I like them better as toddlers than babies. haha. Actually, that's not totally true -- I like babies too. Just not newborns.

Happy 2012!

As always, I like to see what I wanted to accomplish for 2011 and see how I did. Here's what I wanted to do: So, for 2011! 1. Finish paying off the credit cards (I think this can be done by the end of summer, for sure) 2. Start paying off the mortgage, so we have real equity in the house. We refinanced this year and lost most of it to closing costs. But, without credit card payments, we can start dumping an extra $400/month onto the house. That way, when we get ready to sell in the next few years, we will be able to buy another house. 3. Start saving an emergency fund of being able to pay bills for 3 months. Which is about $5000, I think. We'll start there. 4. Get pregnant with #2 (#4) 5. Lose another 10 pounds 6. Finish some of the craft projects that I have lying around (and there are MANY!) So...how did I do? 1. No. Not even close. Got really, really out of control this year, in fact. So, back to stricter living next year and get back on track for 2012. We REALLY need to get these cards paid off. 2. Again, nothing here. 3. Fail 4. Okay, this is the only thing that we managed to do! I did get pregnant, it was textbook -- well, for me -- and we were having a girl. Then 2011 punched me in the face and ran away laughing when Max was born on Dec 20th. So, now I get to decide if I am really done. Dammit. 5. Actually, it didn't happen, but I didn't gain a whole of weight either while pregnant with Max. I have already lost 15 lbs and I'm only 5 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. 6. I didn't get to do this, but I did sort through my projects to try to get rid of some stuff. I don't know if I will have a garage sale or a Goodwill run, but something will happen with it. I added a bunch of new projects with Max. So, what's the goals for 2012? 1. Pay down the credit cards under $1000.00. Seriously. That is my biggest goal this year. I want to follow the principles of Dave Ramsey and the "Snowball" debt pay off theory. Pay the minimum on the rest and pay off the one that is the smallest (I think -- I'd have to review) and the take that payment and apply it to the next one until it's gone. Etc. 2. I don't know if I will try to save anything this year or not -- I'm really going for the payoffs of our major debts this year. Credit cards are the worst, followed by the dang Saturn. 3. Lose 15 - 20 lbs -- I'd like to get back to under 200 lbs. 4. Finish all the construction projects in the house and move the two boys into one room late this year. Max will have to be sleeping through the night for this to work in my mind. So, I'm hoping in the fall, we will be able to do this and move to the bedroom downstairs. 5. Get Ryan to use the regular toilet and get him out of diapers. I think that is sufficient. :) On a separate note, I have to say the following: I love both of my sons and I wouldn't trade either for anything in the world. However...part of me is still mourning the loss of Lily, even if she never really existed. It makes me incredibly sad. All the work we did, all the money we spent so we could have 'girl' stuff. Jake deals with it by cleaning and making it seem like it never happened. I have days where I am fine and days where my brain keeps saying that I was supposed to have a girl, and what the hell happened? How could that doctor have been so fucking wrong? How could that ultrasound tech who checked the previa have said she would guess girl too, without the caviat that saying 'it's a girl' just really means that they can't see any boy parts? And therefore, I have to ask myself: Am I done? Can I do this one more time to see if we have a girl? Do I just leave it up to God and figure that this is what it was supposed to be? Do I want three kids? I'm 32 -- how long do I try to wait? Until I'm 35? Until Max is two and a half? What if it's another boy? The rest of my fam only has two boys each, so would the outcome be different this time? Maybe it's the horomones, but of course this is probably going to be the thing that drives me to drink this time. Oy. Hopefully, 2012 is better than 2011. I didn't like being sick all year and I definitely didn't like the kick to the face at the end of the year, even if I do like the result that is currently sleeping in his swing.

Organizing and other things

I am on Pintrest, which I have talked about and luuuuurve, but I found this blog yesterday called "I Heart Organzing" -- it's a woman who lives in Baldwin who is a whiz at organizing. Makes me want to re-org the whole house -- and don't get me wrong, it could totally use it! :)

So, right now, I am just reading through her blog and getting ideas for now.

Also, I FINALLY started my baby sewing projects. I am thinking of taking off early on my birthday (next Wed) and coming home and just sewing. I'll post pics somewhere when I am done with them. I have to decide if I really want to or not, because I'm really low on sick time at work and I don't want to use three hours or so if I don't have to, but I don't really want to make up the time either. Too bad we don't get our birthday off at work! LOL

Of course, the reason I started them finally was because Ryan was sick on Sunday and slept for about 3 hours. Lots of free time for Mom and Dad -- Jake put in a window and I sewed. I also cleaned up Lily's room a bit. I really should blog that on the other blog, but either way, it's in writing.

The house is really starting to come together, frankly. We have new windows in the back room and a new one in the bathroom and the one at the top of the stairs. So, 6 to go and they are all at the front of house. Next year for that project. We were told we could get some decorative piano windows for the living room, so we still have to figure that out too -- I think we can probably custom order some from Home Depot. I think that I found some that I like from Andersen, we just have to make sure we can get what we want for a decent price. That will be a Christmas present from Jake's parents for us.

So, I'm starting to think about re-doing Ryan's room. Figure out something for him -- he still has the painting I did close to three years ago now. He could use something more fun, rather than his baby room. Of course, I could just wait, because I think that we are going to have them share the upstairs in the next year or so -- we have to re-do the drywall and fix some things up there first -- and then I want to plan out the room very good so they each have their own space, but they can share play space too. Lots of planning ahead!

Then, I can just paint the downstairs bedroom for us. Lots of planning for that too!

Sounds fun to me! I do like to change it up every one and a while. I'm thinking that in 2 years, we are going to find some new furniture from Ashley and sell this stuff. The hide-a-bed is nice, but we hardly use it AND I would like furniture that is better to sleep on -- this stuff is really narrow. All in due time -- first thing to do is pay off those credit cards and other debts! Just thinking ahead. It's how I roll.

Perspective

If you would have talked to me on Wednesday, I would have told you how everything in my life seemed really hard. It's hard to work, it's hard to be pregnant again, it's hard to have a two year old, etc. etc. etc. I have been stuck in a rut for a long, long time. I can't tell you exactly when it started, but I do know that it's been a long time. Even before things went topsy-turvy at work last November. You also would have heard how much I dislike living in Milwaukee.

I went to the wedding of someone I haven't seen in over 5 years, but was great friends with. We needed each other at a very hard time and I love her for that. It was so wonderful to see her again and see her HAPPY. It was just me, Jake and Ryan for two days together, traveling the state. Yes, we were tired and cranky, all of us, but it was the best vacation I've had in a long time and I'm looking forward to more in the future years. Even just two days.

So, it gave me a lot of perspective. Such as: I keep saying I miss living in Eau Claire. And we went back and visited for the first time in at least 4 years, if not more. And everything there seems SO different. Like, it's what I remember, but the thing that I remember and loved the most was: the people. And they are gone. So, I guess I missed what it was. And in that realization, I don't miss it. Sure, I miss the peace and quiet of living in a smaller town, but that's possible down here too. But, yet, still possible to take the kids to fun things in the big city.

Work is hard, yes, but it's not everything in life. And, frankly, I have only been there 5 years. That's not forever. I'm 31 (oh, god help me, I just wrote 32...ok, that's in 24 days) and I have tons of time ahead of me. Yes, I would like a career, but I want to do something I love, not something I just happen to be good at. So, if I want, I can do ANYTHING. I just need support from the people close to me, instead of judgement, which I get a lot of. I think that I know of something that I would love to do, but I'm not sure if I can hack the school while working. And I don't know how much money it would really make me. But, if I could hack it, and we get our finances together, maybe it would be possible for me to work a bit less and be home a bit more. I never really wanted a "career" anyway -- I was sincerely hoping that I would be able to stay home like my mom and just CHOOSE to work.

Being pregnant is hard too -- but it's NOT forever. By 2012, I'll be done (I think). I won't have to do it again unless I really want to (not that I HAD to do it this time, but it some ways, I did -- I didn't want Ryan to be the only). And yes, I do remember how difficult a time I had with Ryan when he first arrived, but I do know what I'm doing now, so I feel a bit more confident.

Ryan is just a typical two year old -- they are difficult! haha 'nuf said. I love him to pieces though.

I guess going away this weekend made me realize that things aren't that bad as I thought. Things can always be changed, you know? If I am having trouble and am not happy with the way things are, then they need to change. But, slow change is ok too. I'm just accepting things the way they are a bit more. Because, if they hadn't been this way, I wouldn't have Ryan. I can't imagine things without him.

I always told Jake that if he got an offer from another shop, that we should just go, but that's silly -- he's got a perfectly decent job at a shop that he likes, so why would we do that? The hardest part is that we work opposite directions -- if we both went the same way, we could move that way. So, maybe that is something to think about going forward. But, after this weekend, there is, in my mind, no reason to leave here -- he lucked out and found a job in state and was fortunate to be so good at what he did that he is still there and working repair full time.

I guess my point is this: It's not as bad as my brain was making it out to be. Sure, things suck from time to time -- isn't that how life goes sometimes? So, my focus should really be on getting things ready for my daughter and worry about the rest next year. Yes, easy to say -- hard to put into practice. But, this weekend sure helped.

Oooh....you can tell I've been posting in the other blog

Jul 23! Oh well.

Been making big plans in my mind. I really want to start swimming again. I just read a blog of someone who got over their depression several years ago by working out. Now, I will never be that hardcore, but I always, always loved to swim. I used to be pretty good at it too. One of my only regrets from HS was not joining the swim team; I wouldn't have gone to State or anything, but I think that I probably would have swum through college. Soccer had bigger priority, which was too bad, because I gave it up after freshman year. I knew I'd never make varsity -- I just didn't care.

But, there is adult only (big word: ADULT ONLY) open swim at Hale on Mondays in the fall -- I assume that the schedule probably won't be different in the spring, but I will double check. The WAWM Rec Dept also has an Adult Swim Fitness class that is more about getting back in shape (I think - I guess I would end up asking someone at the Rec Dept); So, I'm thinking about doing both after the baby. I know that it would be difficult, but at a certain point, I have to start taking care of myself. I know pretty much what caused the depression before -- combo of stress at home, from trying to switch Ryan into a big bed too early, combined with lack of sleep from same issue and stress from work from being down one team member and never being able to catch up. At this point, I don't think that I will need to go back on the zoloft once Lily comes, but I don't want to get to the point where I have no outlet and start channeling into the whole world being too hard for me to deal with. I've been there a few too many times.

So, I think that trying to swim is going to be the key for me. I may even ask Jake to switch which day he stays home during the day OR have Grandma and Grandpa watch the kids for an hour at night. I think I'd end up swimming for a half hour and be done.

We shall see what happens though. I've said this before here -- that I'm going to try swimming again. But, being in this time and this place -- I think that I actually mean it. And since I ended up down the weirdo path I ended up on before getting pregnant, I think that I'll have some support this time. That really was part of the issue too -- there was no support. I felt like I was doing everything alone. I know that I wasn't, but that's how it felt. Poor Jake. :) So, I know that this time, there are people that I can ask for help. Even if it's my daycare lady. She'd help me out for an hour -- I can pay extra! :)

Pintrest

While I was cleaning out my emails today, I found an invite to Pintrest from Kristine that I never noticed, because I get so much crap mail in my gmail.

Side note: Ryan just picked up one cat dish and emptied into the other. Because it had no food. Now, I'm trying to tell him where to find Mitchell. He doesn't get it.

So, anyway, I joined. I'm not sure I really, truly understand it, but it's a good place to put things where you want to remember them. And since I am always finding things that I want to do, but never having a place for them, it's pretty sweet for me.

As I said on Facebook, I can't wait for Aug 8 to get here. If that lady at the elective ultrasound place hadn't been so frickin weird, I would have gone last weekend. :( And I would know now. I'm still considering that, even thought Jake just thinks I should wait. These last two weeks are going to be painfully slow.

I wish I could just be off until then, but work is work is work. Pays for the car, for the insurance, and for daycare. Oddly enough. But, if I didn't work, we wouldn't survive. Now, if we had no CC, no car payment, no student loans, no mortgage, it would be totally sweet. Such is life. Seems stupid that all my student loans are for a degree I didn't finish and for the end of undergrad. I wish I would have been smarter with money in college. Things wouldn't be so painful now. Hindsight is 20/20. When you lose your direction half way through college, that sort of thing will happen. I should have taken a semester off to figure stuff out and then started again. Again: Hindsight. :)

Oh, well. Things are good the way they are now, too. I just wish my job was a bit more flexible that it is. I don't mind the 9-5 grind all year, but when you are having babies, vacations are scarce, because you are saving all your time for maternity leave. Maybe once we are done with kids (which should be after this one, anyway), we can start to figure out a way that I could work less and be home more. We'll mark this one, future thoughts. I know I talk about it a lot, but it's usually on my mind.

I also need to make a big list of things that absolutely need to be finished before Dec 20 and things that can wait. Like, finish trim in Ryan's room -- necessary, because the trim is sitting in the new nursery. Fixing the windows in the nursery room -- necessary, because the one has a bum screen and the inside window needs to be painted from brick red to white. Anything with the bathroom -- can wait. Well, that's where the test window is going, so that needs to be done. I'm trying to convince Jake to ask Josh to help (and by help, I mean Josh does the work, because Jake is slow) put a fan in the bathroom. But, that is something that can totally wait until next year.

So, that's on the agenda today. I just wish I had some time to take that I could do some of these things. Like, with Ryan, I could take a week off at Christmas time and I got to paint his room and stuff. Now -- we would have to just do it on the weekends. OR...I just don't get paid my first week off. That's always an option too. :)

Edited to say: I have started the tedious process of hiding my older posts. I don't mind them, but nobody who reads now needs to read "The Year of Undiagnosed Depression". :)

So...would this creep you out?

So, most people who read this (I think) know me from school, right?

I have Google Analytics turned on this blog; there's another blog, that I have never heard of, that has made like 38 referrals to mine and when I try to go onto it to see what the deal is -- because, you know, WTF? -- it's invite only. So, it sort of creeps me out that someone is sending people to my blog and I can't see theirs, to know who they are. I'd send you to it, but it's blocked. I guess I could reference it here and see what happens. Just a little weirded out. Here's the link: Unknown blog So, if anyone knows who this is, feel free to clue me in.

I haven't gotten spam really, so I assume that these are all really peeps.

I have also been thinking about archiving (re: getting rid of) some of the older stuff on here. Not because it's not important to me, but because it's been 5 years. Maybe it's time to let it all go. Part of me is glad that it exists, but I don't want to keep reading about the year that I went crazy and I don't know how much I want to share with people who I don't know.

I've gotten negative comments on here before. Do I want more? Do I care? Not really. They are deletable. Any thoughts on the easiest way to do this? Download my whole blog to my compy and then delete the ones that I don't want showing anymore?

Three day weekend! Going up north for most of it. We'll probably come back in time to see my parents for dinner on Monday evening, I think. So, they can say Happy Birthday to Jake too. :)

Ooooh! Quick story about work: So, there is this lady on my four person team who is the worst kind of co-worker. She is very passive-agressive and she shoots her mouth off a lot. I will call her PAB (passive-agressive bitch); So, because there has been this tradition of nobody really standing up to her in public (our boss gives it to her in private), she just does crap and nobody really says anything. So, she is passing around a sheet, so she can take off July 5th (which means the 3 of us have to balance 4 days with extra work), and nobody cared, because there was nobody else off. I wasn't thinking ahead that far and I just said, mostly to myself, oh, right 4 day weekend. And she started to say something else, something about Christmas and I thought she was teasing me about being off at Christmas time with the new baby. So I said to her, "What's that?" because I didn't hear. And she says the following: "I said that I had to balance everything by myself for three days at Christmas, so I think you will be fine for one day." My jaw just about hit the floor. I guess her memory only extends to stuff she did, because I remember working 12 hours that week and helping her out extra when the other person was sick. Amazing, that PAB. So, I just replied, loud and clear: "Nobody was complaining." I think that I probably sounded shocked, because I was. That she had the audacity to bring that up with me, when I gave up my only vacation time all year pretty much, to work from home. She didn't say much the rest of the morning. The lesson of it all is that if I had known how easy it was to get her to shut up, I would have started a long time ago.

And that's the story of how I accidentally stood up to PAB at work. lol

I only started this 3 weeks ago. Whoops. Better late than never!

A month goes by

Of course, I've been updating the other blog, so this one has been sort of quiet.

Ryan boy is growing like a weed! He had his two year check up on May 27, but his normal pedi missed it, because she was sick. :( I was said, because it was the last time I would see her before her maternity leave, and I was looking forward to it. So, the visit was brief, but they measured his weight at 26 lbs, 2 oz and 34.5 inches. I didn't have much to ask, because I was really running 40 mins late that day. Ugh! What a stressful day.

So, then, Jake saw her downtown for a children's orchestra concert and talked briefly -- found out that she hadn't had her baby yet and she had really just been sick that day. Yikes! So, I called the office the following Monday and she talked on the phone with me for 15 mins which was really nice of her to do. So, I got most of my questions answered that I thought of after the fact. Oops! Unprepared for my doctor's visit, I guess. haha

Everything is LOOK! LOOK! these days. It's all very, very exciting. Playing cars is fun, watching Yo Gabba Gabba is a big hit these days and everything in between. His language is getting so much clearer, it's amazing. Mama? Mama, what doing? Daddy! LOOK, LOOK! haha

2 year olds are hilarious for the most part. The screaming I could do without. and the tantrums. Oh well. It's all a rich tapestry.

Well, shit, we're here, why not?

I don't feel the need to wait anymore. What's the point? It will either be fine, or it won't. And you'll be here, for the whole ride!

Part Deux


Happy Weekend!

It's been awhile!

Oops!

Our vacation to Maryland was fun, but not terribly relaxing. Which is ok. Next time we go, I think that maybe we'll have to just take a couple of days in the city for ourselves. Or something.

Ryan is very much a 2 year old -- very full of mischief and laughter. And emotions and opinions. Mostly the latter. But, he's a very good boy overall. WORTH IT! haha

Nothing new to report around here otherwise. I can't decide if I am tired of my job or not. Lots of things to think about in the next couple of years. One more kid, for sure, then what? I just don't know if I see a future at that job anymore, and it sort of makes me sad. Also, I just don't know if my best is good enough for them. They almost expect me to be perfect and nobody is perfect. I just am unsure. I sure did enjoy not thinking one single thought about work while I was gone. That was awesome.

I just...I didn't enjoy hearing that after I busted my ass working on something all of November and December and weeding my way through the bull crap and coming to a conclusion on everything, that I didn't do it right. I didn't have a choice of what I did. I almost wanted to say that she should have been a better manager last year. She totally buried me and then when I was drowning, she couldn't throw me a ring fast enough, because she has people that she can't rely on, on the rest of the team. It's been better this year, with four of us, but I just don't know if I can trust her anymore and I don't know if I can work for someone that I don't trust.

So, I'm sort of stuck where I am right now. I'm not sure where to go from here. I suppose that we'll have a meeting about it eventually; I just can't decide where to go, what to do. I would like to go back to school, almost, but full time and do something new...or finish accounting and do that.

Lots of things to consider. I'm off to ponder some more.

Round 1...FIGHT!

So, my HSG was rescheduled for April 27th at 9am; my doctor will actually be there to do the procedure this time. It's the way the rest of the hospitals do this sort of thing. So, he'll be there to shove dye up in me while the radiologist takes a pic. Fun times.

However...

My monitor that I spend mucho dollars on worked as designed. Based on the two peak days I got, I am almost thinking that we have been mistiming this whole business for this whole time. We shall see though. We nailed this month, so if I don't get preggers this time, then I really do feel like there is something else going on.
So, this is sort of like when I was pregnant with Ryan; they will probably give me one due date, but I will know it's slightly later.

I would say that it will be two weeks, but I know that I will test sooner and usually by 10 or 11 days after, if I have negative tests, I assume not preggo.

Historically, that is a pretty solid assumption for me.

I'll keep you posted. :)

Painfully Painful

You'd think, from the title, that this post is about my HSG that I wasn't having on Friday. But, it's not. Because I didn't have it done. The receptionist spelled it out for the schedulers at West Allis Memorial, but they still didn't get it. So, when I was ready and Radiology was ready, they didn't realize that my doctor was not doing the procedure. So, they sent me home, because nobody could do it. And it was the last possible day that it could have been done.

So...I will have to wait until next month. Unless I am preggers. Then, I will not need it.

Sigh

I don't blame the hospital or my doctor. I blame Humana for cock blocking the entire Wheaton Franciscan hospital network out of their insurance. I am thinking of writing letters to Humana every day and starting a drive for everyone in the greater SE WI area to do the same. It is RIDICULOUS that Humana is carried by some of the area's biggest employers and we can't use one of the biggest hospital networks in the area, all because they don't want to let us. Because they can "be selective/exclusive/whatever/junkyard". If I could have gone to Elmbrook, I think this would have been done last Wednesday and I wouldn't have wasted ANOTHER month.

Anyway, in theory, my EDD would be Dec 25th. Let's all hope for a Christmas Miracle. I am undecided if I will just say something right away on here or not. I probably will. I'll have to blog it. haha Like always. Or, I'll just keep the secret one and open it at 12 weeks.
Well, frankly, if I get sick like I did with Ryan boy, I will admit it right away, because I will assume the best. I'm optimistic like that.

Ryan recovered from the ear infection nicely. I think that the meds really make his tummy hurt though. He's not the same until they are finished. So, now we have a happy, fun little boy back. Too bad Mom and Dad aren't as happy and fun loving right now. We were both very, very cranky today.

So, we ditched AT&T U-Verse for Netflix and the internet, saving about $90 a month. It's sort of boring, but I will probably get more sewing done. I have many stockings to produce. I'm 60% done with Jameson's and then there's Will. Maybe I will be done by Christmas. I have high hopes to be done with Jameson's by the end of May. We shall see.

But, in the likely event that we will have to pay monthly for a "new" car to replace my rapidly aging Camry, this will free up some money. Plus, there is TONS of stuff for Ryan to watch, since he loves to watch shows back to back to back.

So, long story short: HSG around April 27 or 28, unless there is a BFP around April 17.

Let's cross our fingers for the latter. I'd rather not have to have the former done. :)

Secondary

Why it's secondary, I don't know. But, that's what we're calling it. Just to term it differently than those with primary, I guess.

For all the stories of others that I read, I figured that I still had 6 months to keep trying. But, my doctor doesn't like to screw around, I guess. So, we are proceeding with some testing. Test #1: Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). On Friday. April Fools Day.

Coincidentally: My Dad's 60th Birthday

At least I get a half a day at work.

The most promising thing is this: I have read an ass ton of stories (their anecdotal qualities notwithstanding) about women who get pregnant the same cycle as their HSG. So, I have everything crossed for this promise. Because that would put me due on Dec 26th, which would still be this year. And on Jan 1, I can stop paying for the hugely expensive insurance. And have normal paychecks again.

It is a different path than I thought we would have, but that's ok. I was figuring we would have some extra drugs and some more trying on our own. But, as always, I am ok with that. The only thing that is tough is that my doc does most of his work at Elmbrook Memorial (where I had Ryan boy), but that hospital is not on my insurance anymore...so...West Allis Memorial it is. I really want to stay with him, but I am starting to think that it might just be easier to find a doctor in network that's at West Allis Memorial. I assume that if I just go to a doc at the hospital, I would have easier access to ultrasounds and appts all at the same time, you know? We'll see how the HSG goes and go from there. I do like my doctor and I LOVE that he's not messing around with this, but at the same time, I am all about simplicity and streamlining the process.

or to put it another way: Humana sucks.

My hope is that everything is clear and this procedure clears out my tubes, so maybe we have a chance for the next couple of months.

I'm crossing everything.

The Biggest Question of All

Honestly: How do I stop following my own blog? Do I really need to know in my Google Reader that I made an update?


I should have looked how long it's been since the last post. Probably a month, because I think my last post was about Zoloft and how awesome it is and if you are still acting unnaturally 4-6 months after birth, you should probably ask a doctor about it.

I write for two reasons today. Reason the first: We are currently living through the 3 ear infection in 4 months. Double one this time. I'm learning the signs very quickly though. His start with a simple cold, which suddenly gets worse and includes a wet cough. Then, fever. Ugh. And something new: Eyes get red. that's the telltale sign for Ryan. His eyes start to turn red -- it's not pink eye, when it's like YIKES! But, it's just very subtle. So, back onto Cefdinir for 10 days, 1 tsp in the morning and 1 tsp at night. Well, breakfast and dinner.

The poor little guy was up so early this morning that he's been in his bed sleeping on and off since noon and it's almost 4. I figure -- 2 hours missed this morning, plus 2 hour regular nap.
I hope he's better when he gets up, because Grandma is coming over to watch him tonight for a couple hours, which brings us to reason the second:

I have a consult with my OBGYN at 5:45pm tonight and Jake is going with. 6 months have passed and I am not pregnant (nor have I gotten pregnant). So, I called, thinking that I could just talk to the doctor about everything, but they made me come in. I'm not totally certain of what will be discussed, but I will say that the last time I had a consult with this doctor, I found myself pregnant quite soon afterward and that pregnancy is the one with the ear infections. So, maybe this will be a good idea, just from a fate perspective. But, my cycles have been a little wonky recently and I want to discuss taking Prometrium in the back half of my cycle, after ovulation, because I have a history of low progesterone. I took it with the last to pregnancies, and while one was doomed from the start, Ryan is here and just the sweetest little boy ever.

I also spent some big bucks on a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, to tell me with a higher degree of accuracy when the best time to...you know. haha; I'd rather know what's coming that realizing it after the fact that you're too late. Which is coming from UPS today. And since I don't want to miss it, I couldn't take a four hour nap with Ryan. Which I REALLY could have used.

And the circle of events is complete.

And then I found 5 dollars.