Perspective

If you would have talked to me on Wednesday, I would have told you how everything in my life seemed really hard. It's hard to work, it's hard to be pregnant again, it's hard to have a two year old, etc. etc. etc. I have been stuck in a rut for a long, long time. I can't tell you exactly when it started, but I do know that it's been a long time. Even before things went topsy-turvy at work last November. You also would have heard how much I dislike living in Milwaukee.

I went to the wedding of someone I haven't seen in over 5 years, but was great friends with. We needed each other at a very hard time and I love her for that. It was so wonderful to see her again and see her HAPPY. It was just me, Jake and Ryan for two days together, traveling the state. Yes, we were tired and cranky, all of us, but it was the best vacation I've had in a long time and I'm looking forward to more in the future years. Even just two days.

So, it gave me a lot of perspective. Such as: I keep saying I miss living in Eau Claire. And we went back and visited for the first time in at least 4 years, if not more. And everything there seems SO different. Like, it's what I remember, but the thing that I remember and loved the most was: the people. And they are gone. So, I guess I missed what it was. And in that realization, I don't miss it. Sure, I miss the peace and quiet of living in a smaller town, but that's possible down here too. But, yet, still possible to take the kids to fun things in the big city.

Work is hard, yes, but it's not everything in life. And, frankly, I have only been there 5 years. That's not forever. I'm 31 (oh, god help me, I just wrote 32...ok, that's in 24 days) and I have tons of time ahead of me. Yes, I would like a career, but I want to do something I love, not something I just happen to be good at. So, if I want, I can do ANYTHING. I just need support from the people close to me, instead of judgement, which I get a lot of. I think that I know of something that I would love to do, but I'm not sure if I can hack the school while working. And I don't know how much money it would really make me. But, if I could hack it, and we get our finances together, maybe it would be possible for me to work a bit less and be home a bit more. I never really wanted a "career" anyway -- I was sincerely hoping that I would be able to stay home like my mom and just CHOOSE to work.

Being pregnant is hard too -- but it's NOT forever. By 2012, I'll be done (I think). I won't have to do it again unless I really want to (not that I HAD to do it this time, but it some ways, I did -- I didn't want Ryan to be the only). And yes, I do remember how difficult a time I had with Ryan when he first arrived, but I do know what I'm doing now, so I feel a bit more confident.

Ryan is just a typical two year old -- they are difficult! haha 'nuf said. I love him to pieces though.

I guess going away this weekend made me realize that things aren't that bad as I thought. Things can always be changed, you know? If I am having trouble and am not happy with the way things are, then they need to change. But, slow change is ok too. I'm just accepting things the way they are a bit more. Because, if they hadn't been this way, I wouldn't have Ryan. I can't imagine things without him.

I always told Jake that if he got an offer from another shop, that we should just go, but that's silly -- he's got a perfectly decent job at a shop that he likes, so why would we do that? The hardest part is that we work opposite directions -- if we both went the same way, we could move that way. So, maybe that is something to think about going forward. But, after this weekend, there is, in my mind, no reason to leave here -- he lucked out and found a job in state and was fortunate to be so good at what he did that he is still there and working repair full time.

I guess my point is this: It's not as bad as my brain was making it out to be. Sure, things suck from time to time -- isn't that how life goes sometimes? So, my focus should really be on getting things ready for my daughter and worry about the rest next year. Yes, easy to say -- hard to put into practice. But, this weekend sure helped.